TOP FPS ANNOUNCER Over the years many FPS games have come and gone. ANNOUNCER Now 8 challengers face off in the most extreme competition ever imagined, to determine which of them has what it takes to become the top FPS. HOST Welcome contestants. I've brought you all here because you represent the best. You eight will be competing in a series of challenges to determine the top FPS. MASTER CHIEF I don't know why they're bothering with this. We've seen the sales numbers for Halo 3. HOST You'll be seperated into two teams. HOST The bunnyhoppers. MARCUS FENIX Bunnyhoppers? HOST And Team Frag. HOST For your first challenge, you will be put to the ultimate test of survival. HOST You will be left alone overnight in the wilderness, and whichever team doesn't starve to death will be declared the winner. MASTER CHIEF It sure is hot out here. LOUIS What? No it's not. SOAP MACTAVISH I don't think he can tell what temperature it is outside that suit. MASTER CHIEF This suit is climate controlled with wifi and satellite TV. It's like you never leave home. TERRORIST The wind is coming from the east so we'll want our tent to face west. TERRORIST Put the the stakes in here, here, and here. TERRORIST Now, gather some dry wood, I'll get some flint. MARCUS FENIX This guy must have spent his whole life camping. MASTER CHIEF Hey guys check it out I made us bunk beds. LOUIS That doesn't look very safe. LOUIS So we leave the camp site to go find wood thinking Master Chief is gonna help fix the tent. LOUIS We come back exhausted, and there he is watching TV. MASTER CHIEF Goodnight guys. SOAP MACTAVISH One thing people don't understand is the amount of chafing from these suits, and to make matters worse I lost my rash cream yesterday. SOAP MACTAVISH It made for a long night. DEMOMAN Oy I found some toothpase! HOST Good morning contestants. HOST It looks like you all survived the night. HOST Team Frag, how did it go? LOUIS Uh... HOST I heard you Bunnyhoppers performed excellently. TERRORIST That's right sir. HOST Well this should be an easy decision. HOST The person leaving is... HOST You. TERRORIST Me? What?! HOST Nobody likes a fucking camper, dude. HOST Your next challenge will test your culinary skills. HOST Each team will prepare a meal of their choice. HOST Whichever team cooks the better dish will win. LOUIS I've cooked a lot of ramen in my office's microwave, so what can I say...bring it on! SOAP MACTAVISH We're letting Master Chief think he's helping by giving him his own workstation. MASTER CHIEF I'm making waffles. DEMOMAN You've never had a better Haggis! MASTER CHIEF Oh shit. MASTER CHIEF Guys...waffles are done. SOAP MACTAVISH Yeah Chief, those are real good. You did good work. MARCUS FENIX We're waiting for you, Gordon. MARCUS FENIX In the oven chamber. DEMOMAN Alright Gordon, go on. DEMOMAN Insert the haggis. MARCUS FENIX Oh shit! MARCUS FENIX Gordon get away from the oven! DEMOMAN Shutting down. DEMOMAN It's not...It's not shutting down! It's.. DEMOMAN How in bloody hell do you mess up a standard insertion procedure? HOST Well, I see there were some unforeseen consequences...but I trust everything else went ok. HOST Team Frag, what have you got for us? MASTER CHIEF Waffles! SOAP MACTAVISH Oh, uh...white truffle infused custard with sweet butter. SOAP MACTAVISH Poached Maine lobster tail and manila mango sorbet. HOST Very nice. A little salty, but nice. HOST Bunnyhoppers, what's this here? MARCUS FENIX Headcrabs. SOAP MACTAVISH Finally, something we're sure to win. HOST Hmm... HOST Delicious! Give my compliments to the chef, we have a winner! HOST Soap, pack your bags. SOAP MACTAVISH Oh fuck this bollocks who cares. HOST I hope you're all ready for the next challenge. HOST You will each have to display cunning ingenuity, teamwork, and leadership skills to design, build, and race a vehicle made from spare parts. HOST Any questions? MASTER CHIEF Can I drive my warthog? HOST Ok if there are no questions then good luck. LOUIS I don't how we're supposed to make something from this junk. MASTER CHIEF I'm gonna make a warthog. LOUIS This is the worst team I have ever been on...and that's saying something. MARCUS FENIX This seems like a pretty tough challenge. DEMOMAN My arse it is. DEMOMAN Look, you've just got to use your head! DEMOMAN Look over there. DEMOMAN That there's the ticket lad. MARCUS FENIX I don't think the judge's car is part of the challenge. DEMOMAN Didn't ya hear him? He said we've got to be cunning. DEMOMAN So we nicked some blokes car. DEMOMAN Now that's cunning! MARCUS FENIX Well we do need to one up the other team... DEMOMAN Aye, and look at them. DEMOMAN How are we supposed to compete with that? HOST So how are things going over here? LOUIS These guys are useless man. HOST You'll have to make the best of it I'm afraid. HOST I'm sure the other team is putting themselves to good use. MARCUS FENIX You can't say we don't have teamwork. LOUIS Well...I think it's finished. MASTER CHIEF Hey you know what would be cooler...rockets. MASTER CHIEF Yeah yeah, just put a bunch of rockets on it. LOUIS You know that's not such a bad idea. MASTER CHIEF And lasers! HOST Time's up people. HOST Get ready to race. HOST Start your engines. HOST Go! HOST Wait a minute, is that.. DEMOMAN The way I look at it is...why bust your ass for some title, when you can have a free car instead? DEMOMAN So long ya bloody wankers! HOST I have 2 payments left on that thing! HOST Our condolences go out to the allied soldiers family. HOST Demoman has been disqualified for leaving the set and stealing personal property. HOST You're all losers, but I guess we have to move on. HOST The theme of your next challenge is classic gaming. HOST This is where it all began. MARCUS FENIX I shit more pixels than this. HOST Each team will need to navigate your way down the track, traversing pipes and collecting coins. HOST The team with the best time wins. LOUIS You gotta jump, man. MARCUS FENIX What? MARCUS FENIX Oh god! LOUIS I did it! HOST Well, only one death and somebody even finished the course. HOST A marked improvement. LOUIS It's about time I show them who's boss. HOST Unforunately Louis you neglected to jump on to the flag before enterting the castle. HOST Bypassing content is an exploit, you're disqualified. LOUIS What the hell man?! HOST I guess that leaves you two. MASTER CHIEF All the way baby yeah! HOST Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the final challengers to the stage. HOST These two have faced trials of endurance, strength, and shame to make it this far. HOST In the end however only one will go home the winner. HOST First up is Master Chief, A battle hardened cybernetically enhanced supersoldier. MASTER CHIEF And I..will always own you...yeah... HOST And finally, from the mysterious halls of Black Mesa. HOST An MIT trained theoretical physicist, give it up for Gordon Freeman! HOST Wow. I don't think we've ever had finer contestants. HOST Master Chief, why do you think you deserve to win? MASTER CHIEF Because I own. HOST Uh fair enough. HOST Gordon, why should you be declared top FPS? HOST You make an excellent case as well. We'll let the viewers have the final decision. HOST Viewers at home you can now go online to vote for this years top FPS. HOST And the results are coming in now... HOST And the winner of this years Top FPS based on online votes is... HOST Rick Astley...god damnit. The End.